Kaka: Hello, children! Thank you for welcoming me to your school on the wonderful day. I am really looking forward to answering your questions, so who has the first one?
Dani: Hi, Kaka. My name is Dani and I’m eight. My question is: What is your favorite thing about Spain?
Kaka: That’s a very good question, Dani! I have lots of favorite things about Spain. The people, the food, the culture. It’s all very special. But above all else, I love my friends here. Like all of you! Thank you, Dani. Who has another question?
Bill: Hi, Kaka. I’m Bill and I like Real Madrid. Will you kill Barcelona until they are dead this season? Please say yes.
Kaka: Heh, no no no, we don’t want anyone to die, Bill. Of course we hope to beat them this season and win the title, but that’s all. We don’t want violence in football.
Felix: Hi, Kaka. My name is Felix and I’m nine. If you are sold to Chelsea or back to Milan for a lot less than what Real paid for you, does that make you a failure?
Kaka: Wow. Where did you get that idea, Felix?
Felix: I read the papers.
Kaka: Uh, wow, you’re a little young to be reading newspapers, aren’t you, Felix? No, I don’t think it makes me a failure. I’ve had some injuries and couldn’t do as much as I would like for Real, but I think this season I will prove my worth to those papers. Who, uh, who has another question?
Briana: Hi, Kaka. I’m Briana and I like hammers. Why did you let Brazil do so bad at Copa America? My mother said you abandoned them the way my dad abandoned our family when he met that tramp Sandy.
Kaka: Oh wow. Wow, I, uh- I didn’t abandon anyone. I just needed a break after the long season and I knew Brazil would be better off calling up someone else. Wow, I’m sorry about your family and Sandy, but. Wow. Does anyone else have a question? Maybe about the new season and how exciting it will be?
Xavi: Hi, Kaka. My name is Xavi and I’m 31. Cesc is suffering.
Kaka: That’s, uh, that’s not a question Xavi. Why are you here? Please, do any of the children have one more question? Perhaps a question about football and happiness?
Eric: I have one!
Kaka: Excellent! Please, ask away, young man.
Eric: I’m Eric and I have two dogs. Xavi just gave me a note telling me to ask you this: “Cesc is suffering.” And then he wrote 18 exclamation points. I think he’s crying now. Why did you make him cry, Kaka?
— from this Dirty Tackle Exclusive.
I—I have nothing intelligent to add. sob.